[Vip-humor] One liners

[Terry Borden]

Thanks to Geoff



Two ants tried to make a see-saw with a toothpick and half a crumb. Didn't work. They needed a full crumb.

 

Some guy accidentally cut off his cat's tail with the lawnmower and immediate took the cat to Walmart,

the nation's largest retailer.

 

The guy hired to paint the church thinned the paint and it looked awful. The pastor told him to repaint and thin no more.

 

A friend told me that they hate oyings. I asked, "What's an oying?" "Your jokes" they replied.

 

SeaWorld is training dolphins to serve as receptionists. When I called them, a voice said "this call may

be recorded for training porpoises."

 

I object to people who are not fathers posting "DAD" jokes. I think it's a real faux pa.

 

I always get uneasy when I go to the hospital. As soon as I put on that gown, I know my end is in sight.

 

Cosmetic surgery used to be a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

 

The bank just hired Sister Ruth from the convent to handle commercial loans. They're calling her "nun of your business."

 

I was abducted by aliens and forced to clean my room and eat my vegetables. I guess I was on the mothership.

 

Did you hear about the Zen Master who went up to a hot dog stand and asked them to make him one with everything?

 

I'm fascinated with schools of fish. I discovered that fish in schools often take debate.

 

Humpty Dumpty went missing in Montana. The State Police are concentrating their search around Great Falls.

 

The Emperor asked one of his Centurions why all the chariots were dinged up. The Centurion replied, "Hail Caesar."

 

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into the lens-making machine. He made a spectacle of himself.

 

I once had a house with four-foot high ceilings. I couldn't stand living there.

 

I have a bald friend who still carries a comb. He just can't part with it.

 

Is it true that lumberjacks keep track of how many trees they've felled by keeping a log?

 

A nice bottle of wine mysteriously showed up on my doorstep. I'm going to have to get to the bottom of this!

 

I told a friend who was auditioning for a play to "break a leg." Evidently they did because now they're in the cast.

 

As a young man, someone told me to "work until my bank account looks like a phone number." As of today, my bank account stands at $9.11

 

I read that broccoli was John Lennon's favorite vegetable until he gave peas a chance.

 

I grilled a chicken last night. Still no answer on why it crossed the road.

 

Forecast has rane, hale, thundre, and litening. Really a bad spell of whether.

 

My new friend is a ghost. I knew it as soon as he walked through the door.